I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
