I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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