that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
