How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
