Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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