Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
