If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
