I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
