I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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