I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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