the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
