I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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