I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
