i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
