The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
