And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
