dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
