Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
