but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
