Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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