I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
