Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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