4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
