he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
