Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize