Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
