mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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