the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
