Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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