Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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