Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
