so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
