I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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