my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize