To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
