I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
