you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
