The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
