i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
