pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
