I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
no, he came in my armpit
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
