If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
