I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
