I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
