just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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