dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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