I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
