my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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