Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
