so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Randomize
