You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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