But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
