the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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