please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He better not be in your backpack
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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