She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
