Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
