I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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