Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize