the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
